Detour

I made a wrong turn. Somewhere between posting the "30 days" assignments and contemplating how much of my everyday chaos to share there was a collision of epic proportions. My psyche is still in the trauma center and the prognosis is shaky at best.
Life happens....in this house it happens a lot. Sometimes so much that I lose days without even realizing any time has past. There are multiple lunches to pack each morning, entirely too much estrogen to contend with in the morning school preparation schedule and more social calendar entries than most communities ever see. It's healthy for them. It makes me feel good to know they are busy. And it wears me out.
Tonight my 13 year old realized that she has a little too much on her plate for Mondays. So she very maturely says to me- Mom, I think I need to look at my schedule and make a decision between cheerleading and dance class. It's just too much trying to do both on the same day. I was almost proud. Almost because in the next breath she points out that she could transfer out of her current dance class and into one that meets right after school on Mondays. This would give her plenty of time in between activities. The hitch? This class requires the dancers to add a second dance class of another genre but it's ok mom cuz I can do the second class on Tuesdays since I don't have anything on Tuesdays. So...it's perfect. See?
Perfect. Except for the additional costume fees, class tuition and the fact that I already have 4 other Tuesday activities divided between your two younger sisters to keep up with. But hey, you don't have anything so sure---let's add something.Seriously?
See....detoured. Again. Because this entry isn't about dance class or kids' activities. It's about me. My brain. My exhaustion. My frustration. With everything and everyone. Maybe it's because winter is around the corner and I miss the sunshine desperately in winter. Maybe it's because the kids are growing up so incredibly fast and I realize a little more each day that there are two little ones missing and that there will never be another little one in this house. Maybe it's because I am lonely. In my own home. In my own skin. In my marriage. In general. Yes,I have four amazing children who still live at home. Yes, I talk to my mother everyday. Yes, I have the two most incredible grown sons a mother could ever hope to have. But I am lonely. Almost always.
So I got detoured. Detoured from my daily posts geared toward reflecting on how the loss of my children has changed me. Detoured from taking better care of myself. Detoured from functioning in general.
Does anyone have a map?