30 Posts in 30 Days......

Today I happened upon another blog that I was instantly taken with. This blogger is doing a 30 posts in 30 days format from the standpoint of the mother of an angel baby. I loved that concept and the questions for the month so I have decided to follow her lead. Of course,as is usually the case I am behind. So here are my first several days worth all wrapped into one post. Check back often....and if you feel like it modify the questions to fit your own life circumstance and join!! What a great and creative way to introduce yourself to others!!!
I suppose a little back story is warranted here first......
The abridged version is this: my daughters died. Two of them. Identical twins. And in that moment my life,my soul and every facet of my being changed. Forever. There it is. My dark secret. I am the mother of two angels. Actually.....it goes way beyond that but for now this is where I will leave it. There will be much,much more to follow on this subject.
Now.....Day 1 (Oct. 1st).....a song that reminds you of your child or one you can no longer listen to.
There is a vast array of music that reminds me of Chloe and Zoe. Many because of the lyrics or just a line of the lyrics and others simply because the music moves me to a place where I feel their presence. I think the first song that really pulled me in after they died was "Boston" by Augustana. I know it has nothing to do with losing a child but it has to do with wanting to disappear and start over where no one knows you,your life or your story. I craved anonymity in the days following "the event". For weeks I wouldn't even walk outside of my house....there was this intense fear that if anyone saw me they would simply know.And I didn't want them to know,to look at me with "the look". This song reduced me to tears and still does. Of course there are so many others that reduce me to tears, cause me to smile or even laugh and many more that comfort me. Music is a constant in the absence of my children and the music of their laughter.
Day 2 (Oct. 2nd)......a movie that either helped you through your loss or jumped out at you because of it. Seven Pounds. I have never really contemplated the correlation here....I just know that I watched it during my depression and cried like a toddler whose favorite toy disappeared. Still do and I have watched it at least 100 times. When I am feeling especially sentimental for my daughters or missing them more than usual (is that even a possibility) I watch it. And I cry. A lot.
Day 3 (Oct. 3rd).....a TV program that helped you get through your loss or moved you. Let's get this straight immediately.....in no way shape or form will the answer to this question EVER involve anything showing Octo-heiffer or that other Kate witch ...both of whom send me into a very dark "I want to grab the closest sharp object and throw it at them" sort of place. Not good. At all. Having said that....I love true crime shows, legal tv series,medical shows and things of that nature. I am addicted to Greys and Private Practice. As far as my loss.......I would have to say the series " The Locator" has moved me. People being reunited with the children they "lost" years ago. To be so lucky. And yes, I cry at every single episode.
Day 4-(Oct. 4th).......your favorite book and has it changed since your loss? Prior to the death of my daughters my favorite two books were easily "The Lottery" and " To Kill A Mockingbird" (which also happens to be one of my all-time fave movies). Since losing the girls though my favorite book is now "The Shack" by Wm. Paul Young. This book is amazing. Simply. It moved me. Deeply as no book ever has. A very good friend suggested this book to me one day. He said there were parts that made him think of me specifically because I had lost my daughters. It's funny,people have made comments before and I always thank them and sort of browse the book or whatever. This time for some reason I felt compelled to go buy the book which I did within hours of his suggestion. I read it cover to cover in a couple days. Then I read it again. And I cried.....that deep,soul screaming,body wracking sort of cry. This book reached into the very depths of my soul and moved me in ways I cannot begin to explain because I am not entirely sure I understand them myself. The book was so good that I bought a second copy (my original has highlighted passages,notes,etc all over it) for my oldest daughter to take to a youth conference with her. The author was one of the scheduled keynote speakers and I wanted his autograph. That signed (and very pristine) copy is in Chloe and Zoe's memory box and will stay there.....amidst the other trinkets I have to remind me of the minute time they spent with me.
So...there you have it. I am caught up now. Tomorrow is another day........