Sometimes.....most times really-I think of coming here and writing. So I log in,look at the blank page and sit motionless. For hours. It isn't that I don't have anything to say. That's never been an issue with me (and don't think I don't hear all that laughter from those of you who know me). It's quite the opposite. It's that there is TOO MUCH to say. Too many things to talk about. Too many emotions to share. Too many thoughts to convey. Too many fears to admit.Too much. It's all too much.
Today my mother in law called to talk about the weather, the swim meet, the dresses for the wedding (my sister in law is getting married) and the shower she wants to have for her. August 20th. That's the date. She was thinking that most people are back from their vacations then and that it's a Saturday so we would all be able to arrange our schedules since it's not any kind of special day or holiday.
I didn't let her know that when she said the date I felt as though I had just been slapped. I didn't let on that my feelings were hurt when she didn't recall just how special (and tragic) that day is. I didn't flinch. I did what most of us (and by us I mean parents who have lost their children) do every day. I pretended.
I pretended that I was fine. I pretended it didn't bother me. I pretended that the date was no more significant than "just any other day". But it is. It is the most significant day on the calendar. Every year. All the time. And I wasn't fine. It did bother me. Perhaps it bothered me even more because I knew I would have to suffer it all as I do most other things.......alone and silent.
Of course I know that I have an incredible circle of women around me who lend me their strength whenever it's needed. They lean in and listen when I need to vent. And they can understand and empathize in ways most never could hope to. Angel Mommies are like that....they become your family. The walk with you , side by side....each and ever step of the journey. But at the end of the day, when things are quiet and dark and still....when you find yourself alone with your thoughts and all of the screaming voices in your head competing for top billing-in THAT moment you need.........
Well,you need something that for me just isn't there. So many of my ABM's are so blessed with a partner. A REAL partner. Someone who is sharing every emotion, every ache, every pain of their loss. Someone who holds dear the same memories and clings to every ounce of the same love not just for the child they lost but for each other. There is nothing more beautiful than watching the deep,abiding love and understanding - the complete connection between a man and wife who are mourning the loss of their child TOGETHER.
And then, there is me.
Mourning the loss of my children,alone and doing my best not to let it show. Because in my mind, as warped as it is......if I show him that it hurts every single time or let him see that I am still quite broken.....he wins. And in all of my devastation there is just enough of my competitive and stubborn spirit left to demand of myself to never allow him that victory.