Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Forgotten Notes

I write. A lot. Sometimes I write to people I miss, sometimes to people I don't miss and often I write to myself. Little notes here and there. Snippets of thoughts that collide in my head throughout the day or glances of the turmoil brewing in my heart. Every now and then I come across one of those little forgotten notes as I clean drawers, notebooks, folders and sometimes even my email boxes. Today was one such occasion.
As I sit in the Service Waiting Area for my 90 minute maintenance and oil change (which is now closer to 120 minutes in) I decided to clean out some of the clutter from my email folders. I noticed a (8) next to the Drafts folder. It made me curious as this folder is never used by me for any reason and I don't recall saving anything to it. There were seven older writings of mine.....again-little snippets. Things that made me laugh. Things that made me reflect and recall happenings and goings on. And then - there was this.
Apparently a friend had emailed me on November 28th,2007 to ask how I was feeling. Insignificant date to most, I know. But for me it was the day the doctors had originally set aside to admit me to the hospital, deliver my identical twin daughters and send me home a changed woman. Well, all those things happened just not exactly as planned and much earlier than anticipated. The girls were due the day after Christmas but being mutliples and being born to an "old" mother with Diabetes it was determined they should come early. And they did. Sleeping .
I read the email. I read it a second and third time. And I didn't cry. (Today must be a good day) I smiled. I smiled at the memory of their tiny bodies as I held them close to me.....gingerly as if afraid I would hurt them. I smiled at the memory of their scent as I tried to inhale enough of it to last me a lifetime. And I smiled at the fact that even then, in my most devastated of moments and in the most raw state of emotion I was able to see and understand-and more importantly believe that I had been hand chosen to deliver the purest and most perfect gift to God above. Two angels. Pure. Perfect. Precious.

From:J W (
Sent:Wed 11/28/07 7:15 PM
To: private
I told you in my email how I was feeling today-you must be busy or distracted huh? It's ok...I am doing that the evening has officially set in I am feeling a little more tired and somber I suppose. But I have done well falling apart-just thinking of how things could have been so different for my babies. But knowing this is how they are supposed to be. I was thinking-as sad and devastated and empty as I am at not being able to touch them-how blessed am I that I was handpicked by God to deliver two tiny perfect angels directly into His arms without them ever having to be tarnished by the sins of this world? So many parents think their children are perfect at one time or another-mine actually were. Somehow that is comforting to me today. I gave birth to two children whom I will never have to worry about protecting from all the evil there is,it will never be necessary for me to shield them from the cruel treatment of others and never will I have to mend their broken hearts at the hands of anyone else including myself. Of course there are many other nevers.....the joys I will never experience because they are not here. But I cannot think about those...not today. If I allow myself to think of those nevers I will fall apart...and today I don't want to fall apart. I want to be strong for Chloe and Zoe. I want my daughters to smile on me today and know that I am thinking of them every second that this day brings and doing so with a sense - no matter how small of one-of peace and love for them. "

Their birthday is coming. In less than 4 weeks I will again reflect on the nevers. And again - at least I hope- that I will reflect on the days I WAS blessed with being their mother on this Earth. Even if it was briefly.