Wednesday, May 18, 2011

This Year

Well,it looks like it's here again. That time of year where the weather starts getting warmer.....the days longer...and my mood a little darker. For those of you who have followed my journey for the last several years-you already know where I am going with this. It's almost summer. Again. Which means another year will have passed. Another 365 days will soon be behind me. Again. This isn't the first trip around the calendar and it won't be the last. But for some reason, this one has become harder. Darker. More melancholy. 
Maybe it's because this year I realize just how much time really has passed. Maybe it's because I have become more acutely aware of how much time I have lost....of the milestones missed......of the memories that will never be made. Maybe it's simply because it's THIS year. 
This year. The year that my oldest daughter is finishing middle school and entering high school. The same little girl  who not so long ago looked so confused and heartbroken as she was carried from her home by armed officers and forced into a car to be sent away to an unknown place and a new life. The year that my youngest child will graduate preschool and enter kindergarten. The same little boy who it seems only yesterday was just learning to crawl and babble. The year that I experience an empty home during the school day for the first time. THIS year. 
THIS year......the year that I should be spending some quality "one on one" time with two little girls while their siblings are all occupied by teachers and gym class. The year that I should be registering those two little girls for preschool,teaching them their letters,shapes,numbers and colors. Hanging their undecipherable doodles on the fridge and watching them forge the first of hopefully many lasting friendships. But not this year. 
Instead.....this year I will listen to the adorable anecdotes my mother will share and secretly wish I had my own to share. Instead.....this year I will continue to involuntarily cringe each and every time I see a parent pushing a double stroller or hear of yet another celebrity expecting twins of their own. This year I will continue to wonder....every moment of every day what life would be like.....IF my twins were here. 
And,eventually,when I am finished feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in my self-pity I will continue to thank God for everything He has given and continues to give me. Because THIS year....I am still alive, I am still a mother and I am still blessed beyond what I deserve to be.