Sunday, August 9, 2015

Thank you for NOT understanding

In just a little more than a week it will be here. The day. Their day. How is it possible that another 365 days have passed without them? Eight years. Many people think that we bereaved moms are "stuck" in the past or lingering in the moment when we should simply move past it. Here is my challenge for those of you who have never had to sit in a funeral home and make final arrangements for your baby, or in my case-babies. Do you have children? Yes? Reflect on the first eight years of their life. Let yourself recall the elation you felt when they were first placed in your arms, that first touch, the first inhalation of their precious baby scent. Think about each and EVERY first from that moment on.....first bath, first smile, the first time they recognized YOU and it showed on their whole face, the first word, first steps, first boo boo (which you promptly kissed away), their first day of kindergarten when you probably cried like a baby and then cried again when they graduated kindergarten, their first day of first grade and then second......and then imagine that you were absent from EVERY.SINGLE.ONE of those moments. That you didn't get to experience any of those firsts and that there were no photos to help you remember. Because none of those moments happened. Because your precious baby was born without a single breath of life outside of you. Eight years ago. I am not stuck. I walk, each moment of every day with the incredible blessing of six amazing living children, a gorgeous grandbaby and the anticipation of a new grandson in the coming months. I live my life as a mother and grandmother thanking God for every moment of the last 27 years since being handed my very first baby and wondering how I would EVER be the mother he and my other children deserved. And I carry with me every single second of every single day for the last almost eight years the absolute knowledge that two of my children are missing. That I will never get to be the mother either of them deserved. That I will never experience a single solitary first for either of them but I experienced their lasts. The last time they moved inside of me, the last time I heard their heartbeats, the last time I saw their faces, kissed their fingers, touched their tiny baby feet and the last time I placed them into the hands of someone else to take them away.....forever. No. I am not stuck. I am grieving the loss of children, my children and I will grieve that loss until my final breath. If you cannot understand or comprehend that......then you are blessed. Because that means you've never endured the all encompassing loss of your own child. And for your inability to understand my grief-I am grateful. <3