Wednesday, December 2, 2015

I wonder....

It's her birthday today. Again. It's the eigth birthday she's had since she left your house. Since you left her life. Since she came home. It's her day. I wonder.....did you remember? Did you wake this morning to even the most fleeting thoughts of her? Did you find yourself at some point....any point....realizing the date and wondering about her? I you remember?
It was seventeen years ago. Today. It was such a long night and we thought she'd never arrive. And then she did. I was starving. You were exhausted. She was perfect. I you remember?
You've missed so much of her life, so much of her growth, so much of HER. You've missed her milestones, her accomplishments, her disapointments, her triumphs.....HER. I you wonder? About.....HER?
She is beautiful. She is brilliant. She is funny. She is sometimes pensive and introverted. She is sometimes obnoxious and raucous. She is always loving, always kind, always emotional. She is surrounded by countless friends who adore her. She is a people magnet. She is audacious. She is mature, amibitious, motivated and driven. And she is your daughter. I wonder.....did you forget?
It's been eight years and two months since she heard your voice. It's been longer since she's seen your face. I wonder....did you tell her you loved her that morning before you walked out the door? Because you haven't told her since that day. I can't help but wonder.......if you do.
We were married. We had two beautiful little girls. You adored them. We got divorced. We still had two beautiful little girls. You still adored them. And we actually liked each other. Until you met her. And then......well......
Your daughters...our daughters.....walked out of your front door eight years and four months ago today. They were terrified. They were confused. They were angry. They walked out your door wishing their daddy- you- would suddenly appear and make everything ok again. Explain things to them. Calm their fears. Ease their rage. They walked into my front door two days later. Still our little girls. Still confused. Still leary of the changes around them. Still worried. About you. Still hoping their call to say it was all ok. To tell them you love them. To say it was all going to work out. I wonder........why didn't you?
Your daughters......our daughters.......became my daughters very quickly. They felt betrayed. They felt abandoned. They felt destroyed. By their daddy. You. They turned to me. I was there. I wonder.......why weren't you?
For eight years I have watched these little girls grow. Into teenagers. Into young women. Into a mother. Into a driven high schooler. I have celebrated with them. I have cried for them. I have wiped tears. I have given hugs. I have listened. I have advised. I have been their staunchest advocate, their loudest cheerleader, their stongest supporter and their safe place to land. I have shared their pain and beamed with pride in their victories. I have never left their side. I wonder........why did you?
Those little girls have grown up. No longer children. No longer afraid. No longer angry. No longer confused. They have become incredible people. They have acheived goals. They have made plans for their futures. They have dreams. Hopes. Wishes. They are strong, independent, vivacious young women. They will succeed and exceed my greatest hopes for their lives. And I consider myself blessed. I consider myself lucky beyond what anyone could deserve. They will include me in that future. They want me beside them. They willingly share themselves with me. I wouldn't miss it for the world. I wonder......will you?
I pray each day that someday, their daddy....the man who used to be their father.......who used to adore them, love them, participate in their lives......will experience an awakening. Have an epiphany. Come to the realization that he needs to make things right. That he'll tell them he's sorry. That he'll own his mistakes. That he'll ask, beg if need be- to be forgiven. Included. Reconnected. That he will reach out as many times as it takes for those two little girls he turned his back on to forgive that pain and rebuild a relationship with the man who used to be their daddy. I wonder......are you man enough?
I wonder......
Will they remember him?