Saturday, March 19, 2011

Life goes on

Life Goes On.......

It might not move as smoothly as before. It might not be filled with all of the joyful memories we thought we would have the chance to make. But it moves. On. With or without our consent. And it drags us along with it. 

No matter where we think we are in that moment, on that day, in that memory----life goes on.

It always surprises me to know just how many "outsiders" think that having living children to come home to somehow lessens the pain of our loss or makes it miraculously more bearable. It doesn't. While I would never pretend to begin to fathom the excruciating and devastating return to a silent home after saying goodbye to an only child, I can tell you that coming home to a house full of children running around does not ease the pain. It does not make it easier, more bearable, less devastating or in any way "better" than the alternative. Let's be honest here. The ONLY way to make "it" better would be for "it" never to have happened in the first place. 
Yes-I am blessed beyond measure. Yes-I was grateful for the faces that greeted me when I returned home from "that place" two days after experiencing the greatest tragedy a parent can ever be expected to endure. (I say endure because that's what we do. We endure. We do not survive. Survival implies moving past or overcoming. Those words will never be part of this journey). But in the time since the death of my two beautiful,perfect and precious daughters the presence of their siblings has, while providing me with a source of strength and inspiration,also served as a constant and continuing reminder of each and every single thing I will NEVER experience with my daughters. 

But-life goes on. It keeps moving forward no matter how backward our grief might make us feel. And often our grief is compounded. The unsupportive spouse. Distant friends. The uncomfortable silence because "we just don't know what to say to her." Or the sister/neighbor/friend/co-worker who has what you lost. But "they" don't notice. They can't. goes on.

And it does. Even if we feel like ours has stopped. It hasn't. The clock still ticks away the hours. The calendar still flies through the months. The seasons still pass in the blink of an eye. And the years continue to move. On. Forward. No matter how many times we wish we could go back. No matter how often we think we have. No matter how hard we try to hold on. Life goes on. And so do we. Without realizing it the minutes turn to hours and the hours to days. And before you know it.......1,307 days have passed since you last held your tiny babies in your arms,breathed in their scent in an attempt to ingrain it in your memory, kissed their tiny fragile bodies and sobbed from the depths of your soul as you watched them leave you knowing you would never see them again. At least not in this life. Right then. In that moment......although you didn't think was going on.