Thursday, October 27, 2011

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder......

Beauty. When you hear the word what image comes to mind? Just now, this I type the word the image that comes to my mind is a huge old Oak tree in the middle of a valley surrounded by nothing but green. The wind passing gently through its branches as the tree sways to its own music. The sky above is painted with the brilliance that only a summer sunset can achieve. That's beauty. At least at this moment.
So often we become so caught up in our daily lives, the drama, the chaos and the neverending barrage of negativity from all corners that we forget to notice the beauty. We focus on who said what about whom, which child cheated ours out of his or her rightful victory, which bill might be paid late so we can afford the latest dental bill and why in the world the weather/our hair/our children/the traffic/the boss,etc can never seem to be just what WE want it to be to suit our needs. We bypass the beauty.
Yesterday,as I was hurrying from one errand to the next and grumbling secretly over the traffic in front of me, the gray skies and the lack of money in my pocket I was reminded of the beauty. Walking into the gas station it presented itself in one of my favorite scenes. A man clearly dressed in his business best, possibly late for his morning meeting or running behind in arriving at the office altogether was walking out of the station holding his coffee. And he was smiling. Not just smiling.....beaming. The object of his joy was his companion. Small in stature and young in age but enormous in obvious importance to this man. The little boy held his father's free hand and walked clumsily and slowly with his tiny feet, clearly slowing this man down. And he didn't care. He walked at his son's pace without rushing him, without barking orders and without speaking. But that smile said more than words could convey. This was joy. THIS was beauty.
Inside I was greeted with another example of beauty. In the back by the coffee machines I was treated to the exhuberant and joyous dance AND vocal perfomance of the woman waiting for her coffee to be brewed. She didn't care that the machine wasn't functioning properly according to the attendant. She didn't mind that she would need to wait 10-15 minutes for a new batch of her favorite brew. She was caught in the joy of the song.....and it was BEAUTY.
What BEAUTY have you passed by today? Did you miss it? Were you too busy or distracted to notice? Slow down. Enjoy it. And don't be surprised if it makes your day better without you noticing!

Friday, October 21, 2011

Sudden Impact

Sudden's the title of a movie I think. Maybe it's a book. Could be both. To the Baby Loss Community it's a term used to describe the feeling we get when we least expect it. There we are,minding our own business,living life and thinking things are "normal". Then.....there it is.....WHAM!!! Sudden impact.

When a new mom comes into our group, having just entered her journey of grief we tell her that these moments exist. We explain that there will come a time when you will feel as though you have regained some measure of control over your emotions and begun to function again on some level of normalcy. In those moments of comfort you will often feel a sense of accomplishment because you are prepared....for the first time since losing your feel prepared.
Prepared for the moments you know,or so you think-that will happen and cause you to lose that emotional control. You think you have identified your triggers and can predict your reactions to them. Most are obvious things like a friend or family member having a baby near one of your dates, seeing a baby the same age as yours would have been or hearing that yet another precious baby has been lost causing our numbers to increase. Strangely enough, those aren't the moments that hit you like a hammer. No,those moments are a surprise.
They are the moments you least expect, the moments you cannot predict and the events that often times have nothing to do with the child you lost but still manage to drop you instantly where you stand and suck the air right out of your lungs. They leave you gasping for breath, clutching your chest and sobbing uncontrollably. Most times they send you reeling right back to THAT moment....the one that started this whole journey.
Sudden impact.
I had my moment tonight. It was was was all encompassing. One moment I was moving furniture and the next I felt my knees buckle and the tears fall like a flood. And it took my breath away.
It was this house. This house that I have felt trapped in since the moment we moved in. The house that I have grown to hate in that six years because of the constant and increasing need for repairs that never come. The house that has never been big enough or had enough storage and has always been overpriced. The house that I am finally walking away from for a newer, bigger, less expensive, beautiful, safe home. A home that will be mine. Not rented....owned. My house. And while every thought of that new house has been a happy one was painful.
As I continued the tedious cleaning and packing of six years of our lives in this house a thought hit me from nowhere. This house......this house is the house in which my Chloe and Zoe were concieved.....this house is where they spent 22 weeks alive,growing,kicking and devloping their personalities inside of me.
This house is where they died. They took their last breath in this house and made their last movements here. This is where I came and fell across the bed when I was told they were gone. This is where I hibernated for five days before they were born. This is where I brought their urns from the funeral home. And this is where I have spent every moment of a four year journey grieving for them, missing them and thinking I was finally in control of my grief.