Sudden Impact

Sudden Impact....it's the title of a movie I think. Maybe it's a book. Could be both. To the Baby Loss Community it's a term used to describe the feeling we get when we least expect it. There we are,minding our own business,living life and thinking things are "normal". Then.....there it is.....WHAM!!! Sudden impact.

When a new mom comes into our group, having just entered her journey of grief we tell her that these moments exist. We explain that there will come a time when you will feel as though you have regained some measure of control over your emotions and begun to function again on some level of normalcy. In those moments of comfort you will often feel a sense of accomplishment because you are prepared....for the first time since losing your child...you feel prepared.
Prepared for the moments you know,or so you think-that will happen and cause you to lose that emotional control. You think you have identified your triggers and can predict your reactions to them. Most are obvious things like a friend or family member having a baby near one of your dates, seeing a baby the same age as yours would have been or hearing that yet another precious baby has been lost causing our numbers to increase. Strangely enough, those aren't the moments that hit you like a hammer. No,those moments are a surprise.
They are the moments you least expect, the moments you cannot predict and the events that often times have nothing to do with the child you lost but still manage to drop you instantly where you stand and suck the air right out of your lungs. They leave you gasping for breath, clutching your chest and sobbing uncontrollably. Most times they send you reeling right back to THAT moment....the one that started this whole journey.
Sudden impact.
I had my moment tonight. It was unexpected.....it was intense.....it was all encompassing. One moment I was moving furniture and the next I felt my knees buckle and the tears fall like a flood. And it took my breath away.
It was this house. This house that I have felt trapped in since the moment we moved in. The house that I have grown to hate in that six years because of the constant and increasing need for repairs that never come. The house that has never been big enough or had enough storage and has always been overpriced. The house that I am finally walking away from for a newer, bigger, less expensive, beautiful, safe home. A home that will be mine. Not rented....owned. My house. And while every thought of that new house has been a happy one tonight.....it was painful.
As I continued the tedious cleaning and packing of six years of our lives in this house a thought hit me from nowhere. This house......this house is the house in which my Chloe and Zoe were concieved.....this house is where they spent 22 weeks alive,growing,kicking and devloping their personalities inside of me.
This house is where they died. They took their last breath in this house and made their last movements here. This is where I came and fell across the bed when I was told they were gone. This is where I hibernated for five days before they were born. This is where I brought their urns from the funeral home. And this is where I have spent every moment of a four year journey grieving for them, missing them and thinking I was finally in control of my grief.