If you're anything like me you've heard the phrase "the weight of the world" at least a million times. You've likely felt it. Lying across your shoulders, slapping you in the face and possibly even permeating your dreams. You fight it, resist it's pressure....but ultimately it wins. It always does. What is it about our everyday happenings that can cause this enormous burden to settle in like an unwelcome houseguest...intent on staying, draining our resources, giving little if anything in return and with no clear view of vacating the premises.
The weight of the world moved in with me recently.Trust me when I say I am diligently attempting to locate and punish it's last landlord for evicting it and causing it to kick in my door. It came in rather loudly-it always does-and knocked the very wind from my lungs. I was ill prepared for its arrival. I had no snacks on hand, no fancy drinks and certainly hadn't cleaned in anticipation of company. Yet into my dirt and clutter it stomped. Pretty sure it has had its mail forwarded ,too.
First came the news that a dear,longtime friend and former classmate appears to be losing her valiant battle against another horrid squatter named Oscar. (His given legal name is cancer but we choose not to acknowledge him as such.) This woman is the strongest woman I know. She has inspired more people in the past year than I could hope to encourage in a lifetime. In her darkest of moments there was still the brilliance of her incredible smile. She doesn't just light up the room-she illuminates the world. And there is the weight. The weight that shatters the fragility of life.....that causes irreparable damage to the heart and renders us speechless when we want nothing more than to scream. But there is no one to scream at. And so the weight sits.......
Second came the awareness of the struggle of a beloved family member. The weight was literally thrown at him without indication of its pending impact. An impact that no doubt left his entire family grasping for that life preserver to take them to calmer waters and pull them from the riptide sucking them under. A weight that appears immovable for even the strongest of lifters.
Third was the shrill scream of the phone in the pre-dawn hours. On the other end the hysterical and fear induced ramblings of a young man who had first been attacked, beaten and then incarcerated without question. The weight dropped in and has setup residence with no intention of relocating soon. It knocked the breath from my lungs and caused all rational thought to cease in that moment.
I am heavy now. I am walking slower, with shorter and more labored strides. I am breathing more shallow and with less efficiency. The weight is taking over. The weight is making each movement painful and each thought exhausting. The weight is causing each second to tick by much slower....extending the day into what seems like an eternity. The weight is winning.
But I will continue to lift. Although my arms are now jelly....I will lift. Through the fire in my lungs as I force each breath into them....I will lift. I will lift because if I have learned nothing from those who are bearing the brunt of the weight that now ecompasses my day...I have learned that when we lift through the pain, through the tears and through the sleepless nights....the weight becomes lighter. It begins to lose. And if we continue to lift in the losing ....... life will win out. Perhaps not as we would like or with the result we would desire. But it wins.
And so.....I lift.
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