Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Why Xavier Wurth didn't have to die and why his mother shoulders blame

On Friday morning at approximately 11:57 a 911 call was made from an apartment in Spencerville, Ohio. The caller stated (rather calmly) that "we just woke up and I think our baby is dead". He tells the operator that he believes the baby choked on his own vomit and is dead. The operator asks if he knows how to do CPR at which point the caller says "do you know how to do CPR,babe?" Again, calmly. No distress in his voice. No anguish. Calm and even as though he were asking if his girlfriend would like fries or salad with her burger. In the background the woman can be heard shrieking that she knows CPR. When help arrived at 229 Wurster Drive they found that baby. In a hallway. Dead.

Here are the facts that have been reported so far. The baby was 17 month old Xavier Wurth. He lived with his mother, 20 year old Alexis Long and her boyfriend (not his father) Christopher Clayton, also 20 years old. First responders found little Xavier in an upstairs hallway, dead from obvious and apparent trauma. His autopsy determined the cause of death was blunt force trauma to the back of his head. Christopher has lived with Xavier and his mother for less than a year. He was arrested, charged with murder and his being held on 5 million dollars bond and on suicide watch in Allen County.
Apparently the details as reported by Christopher are that they had put the baby to bed Thursday evening at 8pm. He stated he was watching Xavier. When he made the 911 call he stated they had just awakened to find the baby dead. This all raises some questions:
If you put the baby to bed at 8pm the night before, why were you just waking up at almost noon and who was caring for this baby while you slept all morning?
If you had just awakened as you stated in the call yet the mother is heard screaming in the 911 call, when did she arrive at home? Was she present the entire time?
The answers aren't necessary for this particular blog post. They are irrelevant in fact. Christopher Clayton is believed to be the person who killed precious little Xavier. He may be to blame for the act of killing this child but Alexis Long shoulders the blame for putting a killer in her child's path. And here is why.

I'm a mother. I have been a mother for 27 years. There was a time when I, like so many other moms out there- was a single mother trying my best to be a good mother to my baby boy. And just like many if not most of those single moms, I was lonely. I was alone. I wanted someone to love me, love my son, be a father. All of that. But,unlike so many of the moms who find themselves burying their children at the hands of their lovers I was NOT willing to sacrifice my child for my own needs,wants or desires.
Now,I've read several articles about this case. Most of them include public comments. The majority of those comments indicate the belief that the mother, Alexis Long should be charged with her son's death right alongside her boyfriend. I couldn't agree more. Of course, there are those who chime in and defend her and claim to know the family intimately. They say that this mother is an excellent mother who loves her son and would never do anything.....ANYTHING to harm him. They're wrong.
I am not doubting her love for Xavier. She might have even been a good,devoted and loving mother to him. BUT.......she absolutely did something to put her son in harm's way. She moved a man into her home and into her son's life without truly knowing who that man was or what he might be capable of.
Ladies.......single moms......Listen up. STOP!!!!! Life stops being about you,your needs,your wants or your desires the SECOND that you become a mother. From that instant on-life and all of your choices and decisions should absolutely revolve around what is best FOR YOUR CHILD. Period. Did you hear me? Let me simplify it for you. YOUR CHILD'S NEEDS AND WELL BEING COME FIRST. Did you get it that time?
So many single moms, especially young single moms are so all consumed with the need to have a man in their life that they completely forget the most important person in their life.....their child. They date on a revolving door basis, often times hooking up with or moving onto the next warm body before the current one is even packed and out the door. Make no mistake,that's what they are.....warm bodies. STOP parading man after man after man into and out of your child's life. STOP entrusting your child's life to these strangers,because they ARE strangers. You do not know them. And they should therefore NOT know your child.
If you want to date. Fine. Date. Find a trustworthy babysitter and go out occasionally to socialize,make friends and possible explore a potential relationship with an upstanding man of high values and morals. (FYI-you won't find him in a drunken stupor at the local club cat-calling you about how hot you are or what a nice rack you have.) If  you hit it DATE. Do you know what that means? Go out with him. OUT. Dinner. Movies. Church. The park. Hiking. The possibilities are endless. None of them involve spreading your legs because "there's chemistry" or "we have sooooooo much in common". None of them....NONE of them involve bringing that man home with you and NONE-hear me clearly....NONE of them include introducing that man to your child. Date. For awhile. Not a week. Not a month. Maybe not even six months. DATE!!!! Find out who this man is OUTSIDE of the bedroom. Find out what he believes in. Have deep,meaningful conversations. Think with your brain (that's what God put it there for,you know) and NOT with the warm and fuzzy feelings you get in your stomach or any other southern region. And THEN.....slowly introduce him to your child. Small doses. Public places. Let them get to know each other the same way you did.....slowly. If you're looking for a true life partner and someone worthy of being a father or father figure to your child this is the only real way to do that. A man doesn't become your child's father after a weekend of hot sex following a chance meeting at a bar. He doesn't become your life partner because he's so cute and makes you feel so giddy that you give him a drawer and he "suddenly seems to always be there anyway so you might as well move in".
Does this method require a lot of time? Yes. Does it take an incredible amount of patience? Sure. Will you need to resist physical urges? Probably. You're human. But you can do it. And in the end.....not only will you reap the benefits - because even if the first time doesn't lead to your "soulmate" it is a step in your own self awareness and will only help you know that much more clearly what it is you want and what it is you won't settle for in a partner........but-you are also much, MUCH less likely to have to bury your child at the hands of  this week's love of your life.
Alexis Long did not protect her child. She did not put Xavier's needs before her own need to have a man in her life. Alexis Long allowed a man she couldn't possibly have known well enough into her home and into the life of her precious little boy. Alexis Long entrusted the care (and therefore the life) of her innocent child to the hands of Christopher Clayton and in doing so delivered her child into the hands of his killer.
Now, I am well aware that my opinion will be wildly unpopular with a lot of people. I anticipate the comments about not knowing what I am talking about.....not knowing what horrible grief this mom must be experiencing......and much more. And that's ok. I can take it. Because as unpopular as my statements might be.....they are true and accurate. How many children have been murdered in the last five years at the hands of the live in boyfriend?? How many more have to die before women wake up and start respecting themselves enough not to be just another hookup for the next hot guy that whistles their way? How many more babies have to be sacrificed before mothers understand that they are delivering their children to slaughter for the sake of a warm spot to sleep next to? It's time to end this horrific cycle of murder and choose your children.
Rest in peace, precious Xavier. I am so sorry that your last moments on this Earth were filled with fear and pain. God Bless you,precious boy.

And for Alexis and both deserve to be charged with and convicted of murder and sentenced accordingly.


I had a moment tonight. Loss moms and dads know exactly what that means. It means that one moment I was fine. Normal. Sane. And in an instant.....without warning or preparation.....I wasn't. In less time than it takes to blink I was reduced to tears and stood there-sobbing in the shower. Unable to control the emotions that had suddenly overwhelmed my spirit and removed all semblances of the normal me. The sane me. The in control me.
I had a moment.
The thing about child loss is that you are permanently prone to these moments. Times when life seems to be going along in a calm manner. Most things make sense. Most things are routine. And then-out of nowhere-BAM! It slaps you. Full force. Right across the face and there is nothing......not a single thing you can do. You succumb. Until it passes. But it never passes -not completely.
Tonight I stood there thinking of things I want to accomplish. Goals I want to set for myself. Milestones I hope to reach. I contemplated which number to set as my first goal. The amount of weight I would like to lose. And the timeframe I want to allow myself to reach that first goal. My daughter's graduation from high school. June 5th. I want to feel better, look better, weigh less by the time my daughter walks across the stage. I had wanted the same thing when my sons graduated high school. But I was.....oh. Wait. I wasn't.
The moment.
Through the body wracking sobs my brain reminded my soul that no....I wasn't heavy when my sons graduated. I wasn't fat. I was pregnant. With THEM. The twins. My daughters. And then they died.
The last time I watched one of my children graduate from high school I was pregnant with two tiny,perfect, healthy baby girls. They were already running out of room and making me uncomfortable. I was already huge by my accounts. And they were already active......kicking me constantly as they wrestled inside of me.
The moment intensified.
They were there. With me. Alive. They were at the graduation ceremonies for both of their oldest brothers. But they won't be attending this graduation with me. They won't ever attend another graduation........not even their own. They've already missed the preschool and kindergarten graduations for Lily, Georgie and themselves. There aren't any cute photos of them at any of those events. There aren't any photos of them at least....not while they were alive. Except the two photos- the ONLY two photos I have of myself pregnant with them. Both taken at the graduations of their brothers.
My moment.
Some people will read this and shake their head. They'll say to themselves in that tone that we loss parents hear so often that I need to stop dwelling on the past. They'll whisper that it isn't healthy to continue dredging up things best left in the past. They'll wonder why I can't just be thankful for the children I have.
They won't understand.
Nor do I want them to. To understand would require them to endure the most excruciatingly painful thing a parent can ever experience. The death of a child. Or in my case, children. I prefer they NEVER understand. But in not being able to understand there is misunderstanding. When we lose a child people mistakenly think that loss is just a moment. It's something that happened to us. Once. It's an event that is short termed and temporary. When you lose a child they think you lose that child at whatever age  the child happens to be and nothing past that.
They're wrong.
The death of a child isn't something that happens to us. It's something we live with every single day. It's not a single moment. It's a lifetime of moments. It's not temporary-it's permanent. It's with us every moment of every day of every year that we continue to live without our child. And I didn't just lose babies. I lost so much more than that. I lost two lives. Two futures. Two chances at all of the moments, all of the hopes, all of the dreams and goals that we as parents establish almost instantly for our children the moment we find out they exist. I lost a lifetime of moments.
And gained a lifetime of MOMENTS instead.