Ok. Here's the thing. Today I am supposed to name 20 things that calm me. Now,there are things that help soothe me and the state I may or may not be in emotionally at any given time. But CALM isn't exactly a word I would EVER use in reference to any part of my life. Hence......"Chaos Multiplied". Get it?
So-having said that.....let's see......what are 20 things that "soothe" me?
1. The sound of my children laughing. It doesn't matter what or why----just that they laugh. It centers me. It lets me know that THEY are ok and that is all I care about.
2. The breeze. It's a loving touch, a quiet whisper, a warm embrace.
3. The Resevoir. It's a place where I have often gone to gather my thoughts and tears....to organize my pain and revel in my joy. Chloe and Zoe's flowers are planted there. So is part of my heart.
4. MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC. Did I mention I love music? I could fill a million of these lists with each song or piece but for the sake of my reader(s) I will just leave it in one group. Music. It soothes me like nothing else can.
5. Crying. Yes,it seems counterproductive but oddly is not. Sometimes if I am falling into my dark place again or feeling especially on edge-I cry. Giving myself permission to sit down and have a good soul-cleansing sob is amazingly "calming". Just make sure you don't have to go out in public soon after or you risk the "OMG what kind of hack injected her with all that collagen?" sort of looks.
6. His voice. That's all.
7. Ben and Jerry. It is amazing how much they can make me smile without much effort. All I need is a spoon.
8. Water. Whether it's the sound of the rain outside my window, the warmth of the shower,the coolness of a swimming pool or the saltiness of my own tears (see #5) it doesn't matter. It is cleansing...washing away all the ickiness and pulling out the peacefulness.
9. Writing.Obiously.Duh.Next....
10. Taking pictures. For those of you who are lucky enough to be part of my Facebook circle you have seen evidence of this. There are pictures of everything. All the time. From numerous angles.
11. Walking. Walking enables me to be completely alone with my thoughts (and the voices) and try to sort through them without interruption. The best walks involve #4,at times #5,hopefully #3 and if I am incredibly lucky........#6.
12. Driving. Same sort of concept as #11 and ALWAYS involves #4.
13. Reading stories of other BLM's. There is something intensely painful yet incredibly calming in sharing a common pain. There truly is strength in numbers and the numbers of "us" are staggering. No matter how different the details of our stories there is always that one shared thread.....the reason we are a sorority....our loss.
14. Singing. Yes,I know I already listed music and technically singing is music. But this is different. This can be singing along with the radio,tv,MP3 player or whatever......but often it consists of just me. Just my voice.Just the music in my mind.
15. Talking. Not just mindless babble. Conversation. Something deep and philosophical. Something that other people consider off-limits in everyday social interaction. Picking someone else's brain on things like religion or politics or simply parenting styles can be extremely calming. It puts things in perspective and lets me know that not everything HAS to be perfect in my world and not EVERY choice I make HAS to be the "right" one according to popular theory.
16. Television. More specifically true crime series or medical drama shows. Things like The First 48, Grey's Anatomy.......they draw me in and take me away from the chaos. And let's face it.....there is no better medicine for someone who THINKS their house is filthy than watching a healthy dose of Hoarders!
17. Watching my kids play. Undetected. In secret. Taking in the moments they are lost in. The imagination. The innocence. The sheer unadulterated joy at finding a worm,carrying a stick or seeing a moth and screaming "Butterfly!!". Children have an uncanny talent for making adults look completely self absorbed and ignorant as to what TRULY matters in life. It's all about who can spit the furthest or whose scraped knee bled the most. Nothing else matters.
18. My mother's support. My mother is one of the two most amazing women who have EVER walked this planet IMHO. The other one was HER mother. My mother dropped everything three years ago to get on a plane and stand beside me literally holding my hand and talking me through the darkest moment of my life. She was there when my angels were delivered. She took their pictures. She touched their faces. She kept me centered so that I wouldn't miss a single moment of their birth because she knew I would NEED those memories. She cried with me. And when no one else could have---she made me laugh. When life is spinning out of control she is my emergency brake.
19. My best friend. (See #6). He is the voice of reason when I want to be rash. He is the voice of sanity when I want to scream. He loves me unconditionally even when I don't like myself very much. He is my happy place when it seems that all joy is lost.
20. Emotional movies. Something intense. Something deep. Something that is either completely heart-shattering or totally elating. Nothing in between and not comedies. Movies that move me. The calm is in the motion.
Whew!! That was actually harder than it looked!! But....if there was a #21....this entry would be it!!
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