This is a blog I posted a couple years ago on MySpace and then reposted on FB. But I thought it was worth reposting because it happens to be one of my favorites. Enjoy!!
Ok-I am sure most of you (if not all) have at least browsed those talk shows where the distressed mothers sit on stage next to the host sobbing uncontrollably in obvious pain over the latest stunt pulled by their angelic cherub of a child. They just cannot understand why precious is banging everything with a pair of boxers, having more than one child before graduating (if they ever make it that far) and dressing like something out of a low budget pretend porno from late night cable. Mommy doesn't know why precious wants to hurt her this way , smoke drugs or break curfew every night. Boo-hoo-hoo. Well….the talk show host usually parades the little angels out on stage and then corrals them into some quick scare the bejesus out of you camp/prison for a peek at what their future holds if they don't straighten up. Miraculously they do and they all ride off into the white picket fence sunset.
RIGHT!!!!
Seriously…I enjoy laughing at the stupidity of these shows as much as the next sane person. But enough is enough. I just can't take another episode of mommy sitting there asking her 12 year old crack whore wanna be why she dresses so skanky and feels the need to wear skirts that are little more than a waistband and zipper or tops that look like they belong on a Barbie doll. So…I have decided to begin my own parenting column. I have answers to all those pesky questions parents have been asking for years. Here is a sampling:
1. Miss Jeanie how can I get my 13 year old daughter to dress more appropriately and stop wearing clothes from "Hookers –R-Us"?? Signed-mom of a future ho
Dear ho's momma,
STOP BUYING THEM!!! Seriously people….how hard is this one? Really…..where does little precious get her clothes? At 13 she doesn't have a job so my guess is that mommy is buying them for her. Not sure if what you're buying is borderline skankville??? Here's a clue….if precious pulls you into the lingerie department or the local adult video store nothing good can come of it! Try the children's department instead….
2. Miss Jeanie my 12 year old is rude and disrespectful. She throws a fit if she doesn't get what she wants and calls me a bitch and has even slapped me a couple times. I have tried grounding her but it just doesn't work. I don't know what to do. Signed-scared in my own home.
Dear wimpy,
I have to ask a question here first. Does she still have teeth and the ability to stand? If so,why??? BEAT HER!! Badly…..until there is bloodshed. Now,I know what you are thinking. She will call the police and report me. Trust me when I tell you that if you beat her properly not only will she not call the police (she will be physically unable to) but she will begin acting appropriately faster than you can say "problem solved". I am completely amazed that grounding hasn't worked, afterall being sent to your room equipped with your dvd player,flatscreen tv,Ipod,cell phone,laptop and every video game known to man would be torture for any pre-teen girl. Here's an idea and this is just off the top of my head……strip the room of everything but the mattress, a pillow, one blanket and whatever outfit you pick out for her to wear the next day (and for crying out loud refer back to item one before picking said outfit). Ground her for a period of not less than two weeks and with the exception of meals and school this means not leaving her room (and no-phones of any kind are not allowed). My guess is the grounding will work. Oh,and as for the police thing…I really wouldn't worry about that. Simply offer to call them for her as you are beating the little angel for calling you out and remind her that by the time they arrest you the charge will be a little more serious than simple child abuse. As a matter of fact put the police on speed dial and let her know just which number to push to reach them.
3. Miss Jeanie my 15 year old yells at me anytime I tell her no and says I am ruining her life. She wants to date an older boy and stay over at his house on weekends. She thinks I am too strict and says I need to get a grip on the times. She breaks her curfew and tells me she hates me when I ask her to respect the rules. What should I do? Signed-feels like I have lost my best friend.
Dear Clueless-
Here is the number one mistake parents make. You have not lost your best friend…she is not now nor has she ever been your friend of any kind and the sooner you understand that the better. She is your child. PERIOD. Next time she says she hates you simply smile and say thank you. That means you are doing your job. If she tells you you are ruining her life again acknowledge positively stating that this is in fact your main goal in life and you are happy to hear you are achieving it with minimal exertion. Explain to angel dear that you are not here to be her friend and do not give a rat's ass if she likes you. Make no mistake she will respect you or else. As for the curfew issue-if we know she breaks it every time she goes out why do we still allow her to go out? Just a question. Afraid she will sneak out if you say no? Bars on the windows and an alarm on the doors will take care of that in no time at all. Now….I need you to repeat after me. There are three phrases you need to learn in dealing with your precious princess……
1. NO
2. HELL NO
3. OH HELL NO (This one involves hand gestures and neck movements so practice before using).
Those three phrases need to be used forcefully and frequently by you when dealing with little miss doesn't have a clue. Use phrase one in answer to any utterance from her beginning with "Can I….?" Now,since we are still trying to teach good manners here at least let her finish her sentence while pretending to actually listen and contemplate allowing her to have her wish. Then firmly assert yourself and use the phrase. Be prepared for yelling. Smile and walk away. Any request involving members of the opposite sex should be answered in the same fashion using the second phrase. Here is where the recognition of your skill at life ruining will be announced. Again,smile and walk away. Pretend not to hear her rantings. Finally,when any request involving overnight visits ANYWHERE arise (trust me she is not staying at Susie's house ) simply sigh, prepare your neck and hand and proceed with phrase three. Do not allow any hesitation or the effectiveness will be lost.
Now…these are just a few of my favorite parenting complaints. There are so many more. So,please feel free to write to me for advice anytime and I will be more than happy to guide you in your parenting journey. Just remember – there are no parenting experts. There are only people who think they are experts. I know I am not only nowhere near being an expert,but have been repeatedly nominated for messed up parent of the year.
Enjoy! And keep in mind….they all leave home eventually.
LOVE IT!!!
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