Dear Diary

The last time August 15th fell on a Wednesday it was 2007. It will happen again tomorrow. In just over an hour to be exact. And like every August since that one I will remember. This year,however....I will remember a little more vividly if that is even possible. Because the days and dates are both aligning this year.....the fifth year since then.

Five years ago on this very night I was struggling to find sleep. The days leading up to this one had been quite stressful and I chalked my insomnia up to the aftermath of that stress. By midnight I decided to berate myself a bit. "You're being silly you know. Nothing is wrong. The girls are back home safe and sound. The boys are all set to go off to college. And in 8 hours you'll get to see the babies moving around and kicking and playing as usual and you'll see......everything is ok. What could be wrong?" Little did I know. And with my little speech to myself I drifted off to sleep. But not before writing, as I often did, in my journal. This is the first time I have read my entries from that time......

" Aug. 14th,2007-Tuesday, 12:08 am
            Is dark a feeling? If it is-I have it. A dark feeling........it's like a pall lying on my shoulders right now. I've been trying for almost 2 hours now to fall asleep and can't. It's as if something......not sure what......but something important just isn't as it should be. I can't seem to shake it and I know it's silly. Seriously. How blessed am I? 
            Exactly two weeks ago I got to bring my girls back home where they belong. I thought that ordeal would break me. But it didn't. It's almost funny now to think back to the start of it, sitting at the table in the conference room,hyperventilating and thinking that I just might fall apart and never recover. I did. I recovered and became even stronger. And I fought. Hard. But then any mother would fight with her very soul if it meant saving her child. And that's exactly what I did...I fought and thanks to some incredible people and the grace of God I saved my children. And now they're here. With me. 
            I know there is nothing wrong because the absence of the girls was the only dark cloud still hanging over my life. And that's gone now. So I need to take a deep breath....relax.......and give myself permission. Permission to enjoy my life. Finally! I have six amazing,healthy and incredibly children. And they are all here with me. And soon.....I will have eight!! Two more precious little girls that will fill this house with their squeals of joy as they realize just how spoiled they are at the hands of their siblings. 
            Did I mention just how excited Ceara and Cidney are about Chloe and Zoe? They were so cute. They went with me to "meet" them two weeks ago. I had an appointment the day after the girls got home and rather than reschedule I thought it would be a great welcome home to them to take them along and let them see the girls. Their faces were something I will never forget!! The sheer love and instant attachment to their baby sisters was amazing.....it truly radiated from their faces. I cannot wait to watch them when they get to actually hold the girls!! Who am I kidding......I can't wait til I can hold them! Twins......my head is STILL processing it. Twins. At 40. LOL.
              Anyway......I am rambling because I can't sleep, I feel nervous for some reason only not really nervous. It's an odd feeling and I can't quite explain it. So. Off to bed I go. And I WILL go to sleep. There's no reason not to. In 8 hours I will go to the doctor, as I do every Wednesday. And I will lie on the table and listen to the strong whooshing of their hearts as I do every week. And I will watch them play,flip and kick as I do every week ------ completely in awe of the miracles housed within my body and totally and incomprehensibly in love with them both. "

How many times I have wondered since then.....what if I had trusted my feelings? What if I had called the doctor? What if........but then I know the answer already. The process may have differed...the timeline may have changed.....but the outcome would not have. And so tonight I go to bed.....remembering with bittersweet tears and an aching heart that it was exactly five years ago at this time, on this day that I felt my precious little girls making their presence known inside of me for the last time. And it was at this time on this day five years ago that my perfect,beautiful and incredible little girls and I went to sleep......together.......for the very last time.