Again

It's here.....again. Summer. The sunshine. The warmth. The kids running,playing and laughing from sunrise til sunset seven days a week. The call of the pool, the beach, bike trails and any other location imaginable. Again. They're all here. It's no surprise when they arrive because much like the family holiday gatherings they are simply a part of our lives. They belong to us. They arrive on schedule (sometimes seemingly much too early) and often when we need them most. Again. They come.
And so does it. The pain. The grief. The raw emotion. The uncontrollable meltdowns (or "moments" as I like to refer to them). It is an unwelcome guest. And yet it comes. Again. Every year. It hitches itself to the sunshine, the warmth, to the children running and playing . It stows itself away in the joy of the pool, the peacefulness of the beach and the relaxation and beauty of the trails. Again, it comes. It depletes every resource, outstays its welcome and leaves no thank you gift behind. Again.
Each summer I expect its arrival while hoping it will forget to arrive.The moment of arrival is always different. The announcement of its presence is always sudden. The wake is massive. I drown in it. Again and Again. And so it is....again.....this year that it has come. The arrival was sudden and caught me off guard. It was overwhelming and painful.
Standing on the playground.......picking up my children from school.....listening to the laughter and squeals of their joy and anticipation of the summer ahead of them. Smiling at the beautiful daughter of a friend I have come to look forward to seeing daily (and she is slowly warming to me seeing her). Gazing in amazement at the almost newborn baby boy who joined his four older sisters this year. And it hit me. Again.
In a matter of a nanosecond I had lost control. The raw emotion took over. And I was scrambling to leave as quickly as possible. The air was being squeezed from my lungs and breath would not come to refill them. The warmth of the salty water escaping my eyes was spilling over and threatened to become a tsunami. The piercing stab of reality took over. Again. This scene of beauty and joy that I so often find solace and peace in viewing as it renews daily my belief that miracles still happen and children come healthy and happy and loved into the lives of their parents reminded me of the two that didn't. It transported me back to the day when two children came silently into my life and left instantly. It screamed of all I had lost and that which I can never have......again.
And so it is here. Again. And I endure. Again. And I will survive another season of remembrance and will continue to be thankful for what I do have while missing what I don't. And I will celebrate another of their birthdays. Without them. Again.