I made a wrong turn. Somewhere between posting the "30 days" assignments and contemplating how much of my everyday chaos to share there was a collision of epic proportions. My psyche is still in the trauma center and the prognosis is shaky at best.
Life happens....in this house it happens a lot. Sometimes so much that I lose days without even realizing any time has past. There are multiple lunches to pack each morning, entirely too much estrogen to contend with in the morning school preparation schedule and more social calendar entries than most communities ever see. It's healthy for them. It makes me feel good to know they are busy. And it wears me out.
Tonight my 13 year old realized that she has a little too much on her plate for Mondays. So she very maturely says to me- Mom, I think I need to look at my schedule and make a decision between cheerleading and dance class. It's just too much trying to do both on the same day. I was almost proud. Almost because in the next breath she points out that she could transfer out of her current dance class and into one that meets right after school on Mondays. This would give her plenty of time in between activities. The hitch? This class requires the dancers to add a second dance class of another genre but it's ok mom cuz I can do the second class on Tuesdays since I don't have anything on Tuesdays. So...it's perfect. See?
Perfect. Except for the additional costume fees, class tuition and the fact that I already have 4 other Tuesday activities divided between your two younger sisters to keep up with. But hey, you don't have anything so sure---let's add something.Seriously?
See....detoured. Again. Because this entry isn't about dance class or kids' activities. It's about me. My brain. My exhaustion. My frustration. With everything and everyone. Maybe it's because winter is around the corner and I miss the sunshine desperately in winter. Maybe it's because the kids are growing up so incredibly fast and I realize a little more each day that there are two little ones missing and that there will never be another little one in this house. Maybe it's because I am lonely. In my own home. In my own skin. In my marriage. In general. Yes,I have four amazing children who still live at home. Yes, I talk to my mother everyday. Yes, I have the two most incredible grown sons a mother could ever hope to have. But I am lonely. Almost always.
So I got detoured. Detoured from my daily posts geared toward reflecting on how the loss of my children has changed me. Detoured from taking better care of myself. Detoured from functioning in general.
Does anyone have a map?
Monday, October 18, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
My Forever Child
Ok,so I know I am a little behind....days actually. Sue me later. Not that there would be much but the process might break up the monotony of my days!!
Things have been chaotic here (imagine that) so I promise to catch you all up on that as well as catch up on the 30 days of posts asap. But right now....I wanted to share something with you.
My Forever Child is an awesome site....they make some of the most beautiful things for memorializing our babies. And they are having a BIG giveaway in honor of October 15th. So-check it out....enter....and while you're there take a look at the site!!
~~Love you all!
http://sufficientgrace-kelly.blogspot.com/2010/10/huge-my-forever-child-giveaway.html
Things have been chaotic here (imagine that) so I promise to catch you all up on that as well as catch up on the 30 days of posts asap. But right now....I wanted to share something with you.
My Forever Child is an awesome site....they make some of the most beautiful things for memorializing our babies. And they are having a BIG giveaway in honor of October 15th. So-check it out....enter....and while you're there take a look at the site!!
~~Love you all!
http://sufficientgrace-kelly.blogspot.com/2010/10/huge-my-forever-child-giveaway.html
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Day 9
So I'm supposed to choose a photo I have taken since losing my girls. Yeah. Good luck with that one. You obviously have no idea just how many pictures I take. Of everything. Of nothing. So choosing just one is a bit of an undertaking. Let's see......
Ok. I am choosing this one. And here is why.
Dragonflies have become a symbol for my daughters. More than a symbol really. A sign. They have become the link between me and my angels. Where they are so are Chloe and Zoe.
My mother likes to say that my grandmother-whom I was intensely close to-is watching over my girls waiting to give them back to me when I get to Heaven. Just before my husband's grandfather passed away on Father's Day this year he had told me that when he made it to Heaven he would give Chloe and Zoe a kiss for me. My mom kind of laughed a little and said "You know...I think that is beautiful. But I hate to tell him I don't think your grandmother is giving them up to anyone!!! "
So now to the picture......while home visiting in Ohio this summer I took the kids to the local museum. There is an old house on the property which my grandmother worked in when she was 13. (The same age as my oldest daughter who shares her middle name by the way). Walking through that house with my kids it was surreal. I could feel my grandma walking the halls, doing her work and sitting in the old kitchen eating her lunch. Out back is a flower and herb garden called The Children's Garden. There are wonderful things there to teach kids about flowers and such. And there is a brick path that winds all the way through and around the entire garden. At one point we looked down and noticed a pattern in the brick walk in a different color brick. It was a dragonfly. There are two. Just two. In the entire path. And they are at the point of the path that is overlooked by the windows of the dance hall in that old house which is where my grandmother did most of her work for the family. Coincidence? Or was it a message from my daughters and my grandmother letting me know, letting us all know ....they were there. They are always there. And they are being cared for while they wait.
Ok. I am choosing this one. And here is why.
Dragonflies have become a symbol for my daughters. More than a symbol really. A sign. They have become the link between me and my angels. Where they are so are Chloe and Zoe.
My mother likes to say that my grandmother-whom I was intensely close to-is watching over my girls waiting to give them back to me when I get to Heaven. Just before my husband's grandfather passed away on Father's Day this year he had told me that when he made it to Heaven he would give Chloe and Zoe a kiss for me. My mom kind of laughed a little and said "You know...I think that is beautiful. But I hate to tell him I don't think your grandmother is giving them up to anyone!!! "
So now to the picture......while home visiting in Ohio this summer I took the kids to the local museum. There is an old house on the property which my grandmother worked in when she was 13. (The same age as my oldest daughter who shares her middle name by the way). Walking through that house with my kids it was surreal. I could feel my grandma walking the halls, doing her work and sitting in the old kitchen eating her lunch. Out back is a flower and herb garden called The Children's Garden. There are wonderful things there to teach kids about flowers and such. And there is a brick path that winds all the way through and around the entire garden. At one point we looked down and noticed a pattern in the brick walk in a different color brick. It was a dragonfly. There are two. Just two. In the entire path. And they are at the point of the path that is overlooked by the windows of the dance hall in that old house which is where my grandmother did most of her work for the family. Coincidence? Or was it a message from my daughters and my grandmother letting me know, letting us all know ....they were there. They are always there. And they are being cared for while they wait.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Day 8 of 30......
This one is easy. This one I knew the moment I got the list for the 30 days of post. There is no question, no choosing. It just ...... is.
To the naked eye this picture is beautiful. Peaceful. Precious. It is perfect. And it is. All of those things. But to my eyes....it is incredibly sad. It invokes deep feelings of pain and devastation. And it sends me back to "that time" of my life. (As if this time has erased that one.....)
August 8,2007. We had played outside at the park all day. Enjoying the sunshine and warm air. Reveling in the slight breeze that would come at just the right moments. And I imagined that the next summer I would be standing here again....in this spot.....listening again to the laughter of my children. Only then I would be pushing a stroller. A double one. With two little girls who would soon enough join their siblings in the ritual of climbing up the sliding board instead of sliding down it and squealing in delight at their accomplishment.
My baby boy was not quite two years old yet. He had played hard all day. And he had missed that all important nap. He was exhausted. And so, pacifier and all...he had fallen asleep in the tub while I was bathing him. I remember wrapping him in his towel and lying him across my bed. And staring. Drinking in my little boy who in a matter of months would no longer be "the baby" of the family. Wondering how he would handle relinquishing that title. And thinking I was the luckiest women ever.
One week changed that. One week completely redesigned the meaning and emotion of this picture. One week later my daughters died as I slept in that same bed. That picture, of my beautiful, sleeping boy was the last picture I took of any of my children. Until the next picture...which was of my beautiful,sleeping angels.
To the naked eye this picture is beautiful. Peaceful. Precious. It is perfect. And it is. All of those things. But to my eyes....it is incredibly sad. It invokes deep feelings of pain and devastation. And it sends me back to "that time" of my life. (As if this time has erased that one.....)
August 8,2007. We had played outside at the park all day. Enjoying the sunshine and warm air. Reveling in the slight breeze that would come at just the right moments. And I imagined that the next summer I would be standing here again....in this spot.....listening again to the laughter of my children. Only then I would be pushing a stroller. A double one. With two little girls who would soon enough join their siblings in the ritual of climbing up the sliding board instead of sliding down it and squealing in delight at their accomplishment.
My baby boy was not quite two years old yet. He had played hard all day. And he had missed that all important nap. He was exhausted. And so, pacifier and all...he had fallen asleep in the tub while I was bathing him. I remember wrapping him in his towel and lying him across my bed. And staring. Drinking in my little boy who in a matter of months would no longer be "the baby" of the family. Wondering how he would handle relinquishing that title. And thinking I was the luckiest women ever.
One week changed that. One week completely redesigned the meaning and emotion of this picture. One week later my daughters died as I slept in that same bed. That picture, of my beautiful, sleeping boy was the last picture I took of any of my children. Until the next picture...which was of my beautiful,sleeping angels.
Out of the mouth of babes.......
Extra post today.....
So Lily A.K.A. Princess Diva says to me..."Mommy,I want you to be pregnant again. And I want you to have two baby girls again so I can have two baby sisters. I mean,I am almost 7 years old now mommy so I can help take care of them when you need to rest ya know.And mommy.......this time I want you to actually bring them home with you."
And there it is. The proverbial slap that renders you speechless and knocks the breath from your lungs. Just when you think you are having a good day,week,month,year.....you are suddenly shocked right back into your dark place.
Then there is the comment from the younger sibling which pulls you back into the sunshine,......"Um,no way mom. It better be two baby brothers cuz I don't want no more sisters. Enough girls already."
Ya just gotta love their innocence and honesty.
So Lily A.K.A. Princess Diva says to me..."Mommy,I want you to be pregnant again. And I want you to have two baby girls again so I can have two baby sisters. I mean,I am almost 7 years old now mommy so I can help take care of them when you need to rest ya know.And mommy.......this time I want you to actually bring them home with you."
And there it is. The proverbial slap that renders you speechless and knocks the breath from your lungs. Just when you think you are having a good day,week,month,year.....you are suddenly shocked right back into your dark place.
Then there is the comment from the younger sibling which pulls you back into the sunshine,......"Um,no way mom. It better be two baby brothers cuz I don't want no more sisters. Enough girls already."
Ya just gotta love their innocence and honesty.
A picture that makes you happy......
Not an easy task. Choosing just one. Any picture of my children makes me smile. It fills me with joy. And yet at the same time makes me aware that there should be more pictures. Of more children. Things just never seem to go the way we think they should,do they? Hhmmm.
So...I have been thinking about which picture I should choose.....I think I mentioned yesterday that I take pictures of everything. That wasn't an exaggeration. So I am literally pouring over hundreds and thousands of pictures trying to decide just which one I can pull out as The One for today's post. ( I already know which one will accompany tomorrow's and it won't be what you are expecting.) Choices,choices.
Here is the one I came up with. This was when I thought my life was perfect. That it would continue to be perfect. That all of the dark was behind me and there was nothing but sunshine ahead. This picture was taken 3 days after I got my oldest two daughters back. (Their father and his gf had kidnapped them from school two years earlier.....it was the hardest 18 months of court dates and 400 mile trips trying to stay in their lives and fight to bring them home.) My oldest two sons had gone out to buy little trinkets for their sisters this day. The four of them (in this pic) wanted to inflate the air mattress in the middle of the living room and stay in their Pj's and watch movies all day. It was beautiful. Looking at it now brings tears to my eyes. Happy ones. My children were ALL home. And there were two more in my belly growing by leaps and bounds who would join us that year and make my life beyond perfect.
Or so I thought.
So. This is the one. The picture that makes me happy. In this moment. At this time.
So...I have been thinking about which picture I should choose.....I think I mentioned yesterday that I take pictures of everything. That wasn't an exaggeration. So I am literally pouring over hundreds and thousands of pictures trying to decide just which one I can pull out as The One for today's post. ( I already know which one will accompany tomorrow's and it won't be what you are expecting.) Choices,choices.
Here is the one I came up with. This was when I thought my life was perfect. That it would continue to be perfect. That all of the dark was behind me and there was nothing but sunshine ahead. This picture was taken 3 days after I got my oldest two daughters back. (Their father and his gf had kidnapped them from school two years earlier.....it was the hardest 18 months of court dates and 400 mile trips trying to stay in their lives and fight to bring them home.) My oldest two sons had gone out to buy little trinkets for their sisters this day. The four of them (in this pic) wanted to inflate the air mattress in the middle of the living room and stay in their Pj's and watch movies all day. It was beautiful. Looking at it now brings tears to my eyes. Happy ones. My children were ALL home. And there were two more in my belly growing by leaps and bounds who would join us that year and make my life beyond perfect.
Or so I thought.
So. This is the one. The picture that makes me happy. In this moment. At this time.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
30 Days......Day 6
Ok. Here's the thing. Today I am supposed to name 20 things that calm me. Now,there are things that help soothe me and the state I may or may not be in emotionally at any given time. But CALM isn't exactly a word I would EVER use in reference to any part of my life. Hence......"Chaos Multiplied". Get it?
So-having said that.....let's see......what are 20 things that "soothe" me?
1. The sound of my children laughing. It doesn't matter what or why----just that they laugh. It centers me. It lets me know that THEY are ok and that is all I care about.
2. The breeze. It's a loving touch, a quiet whisper, a warm embrace.
3. The Resevoir. It's a place where I have often gone to gather my thoughts and tears....to organize my pain and revel in my joy. Chloe and Zoe's flowers are planted there. So is part of my heart.
4. MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC. Did I mention I love music? I could fill a million of these lists with each song or piece but for the sake of my reader(s) I will just leave it in one group. Music. It soothes me like nothing else can.
5. Crying. Yes,it seems counterproductive but oddly is not. Sometimes if I am falling into my dark place again or feeling especially on edge-I cry. Giving myself permission to sit down and have a good soul-cleansing sob is amazingly "calming". Just make sure you don't have to go out in public soon after or you risk the "OMG what kind of hack injected her with all that collagen?" sort of looks.
6. His voice. That's all.
7. Ben and Jerry. It is amazing how much they can make me smile without much effort. All I need is a spoon.
8. Water. Whether it's the sound of the rain outside my window, the warmth of the shower,the coolness of a swimming pool or the saltiness of my own tears (see #5) it doesn't matter. It is cleansing...washing away all the ickiness and pulling out the peacefulness.
9. Writing.Obiously.Duh.Next....
10. Taking pictures. For those of you who are lucky enough to be part of my Facebook circle you have seen evidence of this. There are pictures of everything. All the time. From numerous angles.
11. Walking. Walking enables me to be completely alone with my thoughts (and the voices) and try to sort through them without interruption. The best walks involve #4,at times #5,hopefully #3 and if I am incredibly lucky........#6.
12. Driving. Same sort of concept as #11 and ALWAYS involves #4.
13. Reading stories of other BLM's. There is something intensely painful yet incredibly calming in sharing a common pain. There truly is strength in numbers and the numbers of "us" are staggering. No matter how different the details of our stories there is always that one shared thread.....the reason we are a sorority....our loss.
14. Singing. Yes,I know I already listed music and technically singing is music. But this is different. This can be singing along with the radio,tv,MP3 player or whatever......but often it consists of just me. Just my voice.Just the music in my mind.
15. Talking. Not just mindless babble. Conversation. Something deep and philosophical. Something that other people consider off-limits in everyday social interaction. Picking someone else's brain on things like religion or politics or simply parenting styles can be extremely calming. It puts things in perspective and lets me know that not everything HAS to be perfect in my world and not EVERY choice I make HAS to be the "right" one according to popular theory.
16. Television. More specifically true crime series or medical drama shows. Things like The First 48, Grey's Anatomy.......they draw me in and take me away from the chaos. And let's face it.....there is no better medicine for someone who THINKS their house is filthy than watching a healthy dose of Hoarders!
17. Watching my kids play. Undetected. In secret. Taking in the moments they are lost in. The imagination. The innocence. The sheer unadulterated joy at finding a worm,carrying a stick or seeing a moth and screaming "Butterfly!!". Children have an uncanny talent for making adults look completely self absorbed and ignorant as to what TRULY matters in life. It's all about who can spit the furthest or whose scraped knee bled the most. Nothing else matters.
18. My mother's support. My mother is one of the two most amazing women who have EVER walked this planet IMHO. The other one was HER mother. My mother dropped everything three years ago to get on a plane and stand beside me literally holding my hand and talking me through the darkest moment of my life. She was there when my angels were delivered. She took their pictures. She touched their faces. She kept me centered so that I wouldn't miss a single moment of their birth because she knew I would NEED those memories. She cried with me. And when no one else could have---she made me laugh. When life is spinning out of control she is my emergency brake.
19. My best friend. (See #6). He is the voice of reason when I want to be rash. He is the voice of sanity when I want to scream. He loves me unconditionally even when I don't like myself very much. He is my happy place when it seems that all joy is lost.
20. Emotional movies. Something intense. Something deep. Something that is either completely heart-shattering or totally elating. Nothing in between and not comedies. Movies that move me. The calm is in the motion.
Whew!! That was actually harder than it looked!! But....if there was a #21....this entry would be it!!
So-having said that.....let's see......what are 20 things that "soothe" me?
1. The sound of my children laughing. It doesn't matter what or why----just that they laugh. It centers me. It lets me know that THEY are ok and that is all I care about.
2. The breeze. It's a loving touch, a quiet whisper, a warm embrace.
3. The Resevoir. It's a place where I have often gone to gather my thoughts and tears....to organize my pain and revel in my joy. Chloe and Zoe's flowers are planted there. So is part of my heart.
4. MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC. Did I mention I love music? I could fill a million of these lists with each song or piece but for the sake of my reader(s) I will just leave it in one group. Music. It soothes me like nothing else can.
5. Crying. Yes,it seems counterproductive but oddly is not. Sometimes if I am falling into my dark place again or feeling especially on edge-I cry. Giving myself permission to sit down and have a good soul-cleansing sob is amazingly "calming". Just make sure you don't have to go out in public soon after or you risk the "OMG what kind of hack injected her with all that collagen?" sort of looks.
6. His voice. That's all.
7. Ben and Jerry. It is amazing how much they can make me smile without much effort. All I need is a spoon.
8. Water. Whether it's the sound of the rain outside my window, the warmth of the shower,the coolness of a swimming pool or the saltiness of my own tears (see #5) it doesn't matter. It is cleansing...washing away all the ickiness and pulling out the peacefulness.
9. Writing.Obiously.Duh.Next....
10. Taking pictures. For those of you who are lucky enough to be part of my Facebook circle you have seen evidence of this. There are pictures of everything. All the time. From numerous angles.
11. Walking. Walking enables me to be completely alone with my thoughts (and the voices) and try to sort through them without interruption. The best walks involve #4,at times #5,hopefully #3 and if I am incredibly lucky........#6.
12. Driving. Same sort of concept as #11 and ALWAYS involves #4.
13. Reading stories of other BLM's. There is something intensely painful yet incredibly calming in sharing a common pain. There truly is strength in numbers and the numbers of "us" are staggering. No matter how different the details of our stories there is always that one shared thread.....the reason we are a sorority....our loss.
14. Singing. Yes,I know I already listed music and technically singing is music. But this is different. This can be singing along with the radio,tv,MP3 player or whatever......but often it consists of just me. Just my voice.Just the music in my mind.
15. Talking. Not just mindless babble. Conversation. Something deep and philosophical. Something that other people consider off-limits in everyday social interaction. Picking someone else's brain on things like religion or politics or simply parenting styles can be extremely calming. It puts things in perspective and lets me know that not everything HAS to be perfect in my world and not EVERY choice I make HAS to be the "right" one according to popular theory.
16. Television. More specifically true crime series or medical drama shows. Things like The First 48, Grey's Anatomy.......they draw me in and take me away from the chaos. And let's face it.....there is no better medicine for someone who THINKS their house is filthy than watching a healthy dose of Hoarders!
17. Watching my kids play. Undetected. In secret. Taking in the moments they are lost in. The imagination. The innocence. The sheer unadulterated joy at finding a worm,carrying a stick or seeing a moth and screaming "Butterfly!!". Children have an uncanny talent for making adults look completely self absorbed and ignorant as to what TRULY matters in life. It's all about who can spit the furthest or whose scraped knee bled the most. Nothing else matters.
18. My mother's support. My mother is one of the two most amazing women who have EVER walked this planet IMHO. The other one was HER mother. My mother dropped everything three years ago to get on a plane and stand beside me literally holding my hand and talking me through the darkest moment of my life. She was there when my angels were delivered. She took their pictures. She touched their faces. She kept me centered so that I wouldn't miss a single moment of their birth because she knew I would NEED those memories. She cried with me. And when no one else could have---she made me laugh. When life is spinning out of control she is my emergency brake.
19. My best friend. (See #6). He is the voice of reason when I want to be rash. He is the voice of sanity when I want to scream. He loves me unconditionally even when I don't like myself very much. He is my happy place when it seems that all joy is lost.
20. Emotional movies. Something intense. Something deep. Something that is either completely heart-shattering or totally elating. Nothing in between and not comedies. Movies that move me. The calm is in the motion.
Whew!! That was actually harder than it looked!! But....if there was a #21....this entry would be it!!
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